I will always be forever grateful for Kel. Who asked me point blank why I hadn’t been home to see mom after daddy died. He made me reallise not having daddy at home didn’t mean I should stay away. He helped me embrace myself as a person and a woman in my own right. It was the summer before I turned 50. The next 50 years are already different!
Each summer there is a septic problem. I can only pray this has finally ceased with the newest system installed this year. They are never the same kinds of problems, though they involve the same peoples.
The clutter has also remained the same every year. I honestly cannot tell we threw so much ruined crap away last year. Boxes and boxes and bags and totes remain. The best part is, most of it is in containers now and not stacks.
After I got back to the states that first summer, I became incredibly depressed. I was on meds for a bit and was so sad inside. I craved the person I was when I was in Alaska. She was suppressed and it was horrible. I had a few experiences which were difficult to understand, but something wonderful happened again. My life line crossed with a wise friend who has given so much to me, I can’t even put it into words! In all the ways I’ve wandered, this person remains one who encourages me to be myself in all ways.
The second summer was so long. Second hand sewage is nasty! I was often depressed and several times wondered if I should just go away and die. Part of that may have been because I was so alone and having to bite my tongue about my mom. Her attitude about her daughter who was ‘going thru that change of life’ drove me bonkers. Part of it was probably because of the experiences I was having. Trusting a person and finding out they are an ass of the lowest type angered me. I also had sporadic internet. One of my bestest friends in the world got infrequent single four letter word texts from me more than often.
Returning to the states was better. I had friends who accepted me for myself and gave me time. Getting a chance to escape the confines of my world is lifesaving. Even when I get lost or break my car or end up in awkward situations! I began writing more, found new people who are similar to myself and like me, and began to find a small niche for myself.
These last months have brought changes I never imagined. Chemotherapy and other things have made me aware of how short life can be, how chemicals can change a person, and how precious people are. I have learned to let go of those special people, to realise when a life connects with mine, it is not forever, and to believe a bit more in myself.
I’m actually looking forward to going back to Oregon this fall. I’ll miss home like an ache in my soul, but I am ready to see how the Me I am now will react to the placid stream I normally exist in.
(there is a piece in "I'm Alive" which goes with this)