People terrify me. They are judgmental and critical, both things I do well myself. I often hide from people who know me as much as I embrace meeting strangers. Strangers aren’t scary, usually. Strangers have few parameters to base who you are on and that makes for a more realistic point of view. People who know me expect me to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and when I deviate from that normal pattern it is like I have become a fish climbing a tree and I need moved back to where I belong.
I know this is a fear that keeps me from growing. I’m locked in the chrysalis in the mushy stage and I know the DNA is there to create a beautiful creature, but I’m scared to let that change happen. I’m afraid when I do change I won’t be right for the people around me and once I’m out, the only thing left is to fly.
I used to see myself in a box. Sometimes I still do, sometimes. That box or chrysalis is confining and although I move within it, I will not leave. I am scared to. I have some great friends who help me, I need them. I appreciate them, always. I need encouragement, love, and friendship. All of us desire and crave those things. It is up to me to find those for myself instead of sitting around waiting for someone to give them to me. I know what I need to do, I often see myself doing it, yet when it comes down to the emergence, I cave.
I know, as a follower of His, I am not alone and all those churchy kind of thoughts. However, living is not as easy as knowing. Thankfully, I have hope. Hope which leads me to the realization of tomorrow being amazing and wonderful. In spite of myself.