I think it was the 'showing yourself' part that threw me. How can I show myself attention? As I was contemplating this in the wee sma hours of the night, I realised this meme DID make sense. I rarely show myself attention. Then respect, do I give myself any?
On Valentine's Day I often read one of my favorite books. The Blue Castle by LM Montgomery. I understand Valancy. I had a pretty good childhood and I'm married with kids and a lovely house. But, I understand her. She was tied to fear. I, too, am often tied to what others will think, how they'll react, and whether or not I'm good enough. I've had the pat answer, "God always thinks you are good enough, so you must be." and it frustrates me. Yeah, I believe in God and believe in who He is. Yet, He does not look at me and say, "you are amazing!" or "man, you look great today!" or "I like what you created, pretty cool!" I do have online friends who encourage me and I would wither without them.
Tied up in fear is horrid. I have visited with several persons online and off who have encouraged me to take risks. Last year, I did many new things and it was a great deal of fun (see post in Blogstuff 'L'). I wonder how they changed me?
For years I've seen myself as a Boston Fern. Sitting on a shelf, being watered (fed) every so often, and making the room look a little better. Others have suggested I'm a door mat. I can see that. I live for others and when I do things for myself I feel guilty. Which is pretty funny, in actuality. I am ALWAYS doing things for myself. I read all the time (escape into other worlds) and I spend very little of my day doing chores and keeping things as clean as I should. I sleep all the time (my hours are totally skewed!) and I am online more than I thought I would be. Deciding to be online less this month has helped me read more, but that is about it.
I hate being a door mat. I need to become a tapestry and get off the floor! It is hard to change your mind over to a new way of thinking.
It is hard to depend on yourself and no one else. I love to see joy others get from things I do (cookies, packages, notes, gifts that remind people I'm thinking about them). But, I admit, I tend to harm my friends more than I bless. I love fiercely and a lot of people don't like that.
So, as I look at these words and think about re-positioning myself, I realise I need to do some things. First, I need to not be afraid. Second, I need to accept and appreciate my friends and my spouse for the love, attention, and respect I may get. Third, I need to remember I can live without those things. And the hardest one is last. I MUST stop lavishing. Many people do not want or desire lavishing attention. I think I do this because I may desire some myself and since I can't get it, bestow it on others. It isn't fair and I need to stop it.
I am sorry for those I've hurt with my exuberance. I hope those friends can forgive me. Now, I need to find the proper hooks from which to hang!
UPDATE: over the course of a few hours and another message from a friend, I had an epiphany. I am lonely!! I sat in the kitchen reading one of my favorite books and this thought hit me. I sat up and said, "I'll be jiggered!" It is very funny to think I could be lonely, but it appears that may be the case. I lavish people with myself to t he point of annoyance, I don't know how to be a friend, and I'm a very silly immature girl. Pretty incredible, huh?
OK, just wanted to update that since it was such an amazing discovery.