You see, I was trying to figure out why I'm so fat. This lead me to the word 'cortisol' which I have seen before. Leading me further into stress and symptoms. The last link I visited was by Lissa Rankin. It was called '10 signs you have WAY too much cortisol.' I had read some of these signs earlier and knew, I was almost every one of them.
Then, I went back to a year ago. I am not the same person I used to be. (which in retrospect is a very silly statement! NO ONE is the same person they used to be!) However, I don't do youth group, Sunday school with the teens, I don't attend church often (my stomach hurts a lot), I haven't visited people, I rarely bake for my neighbors anymore, I'm online most of the day, I sleep forever and then get this 'rush' at night when I should be sleeping, I'm not happy by any means, and I've gained a ton of weight.
Last year I was on my way to Alaska for the first time in years. I was excited and was determined to do new things in my 49th year. I had already done a few and was looking forward to more, I even felt almost pretty! I had some amazing experiences up north and was eager to go back in the next year. When I got back to the states, I knew it would be difficult to keep myself out of the rut of sameness. Yet, I slowly slipped back into that pattern. I made some new friends, one that still makes my heart ache because he is gone-sometimes a friendship runs fast and hot and still the glow exists in a different dimension. I read some incredible books and opened my mind to new ideas.
Then, I got tired. I felt alone. I was put on depression drugs and they were horrible. I had a bladder infection, I couldn't stay awake, I was alone. People said to call if I needed anything, but really? Why on EARTH would I call someone for help when I know how freaking busy people are? Besides, I have everything I need.
My house is awesome (not finished, but awesome), I have great kids with jobs, I have a very kind husband, and a car that runs, and water, and a washing machine, and what on EARTH else did I need? It appears my body knew more than I did. It was sick. I had 2 major tests (see 'rite of passage' in this section and 'Comfort' in the one called blogstuff) that showed I am absolutely and completely healthy. But, I am sick.
And here I am. I need to find a spark, to renew that pilot light that is dying. Because, I cannot just grasp at expensive straws. There are others out there like me, I am not alone even if I feel like it. Today I joined a private FB group to help be mentored and I found some blogs under Lissa's umbrella. I know if I work hard, I can do anything. I have a faith that will help me, but I need to also do. God can heal me, but I need to move things so work can be done.
I'm ready to burn~