February is the month of love. I was married during this month. And I wonder where those 26 years went. I find myself reaching survival mode and hoping I can rise to the top again. I read 4 things you should do every day in your marriage, I tick off lists of things I need to do to encourage my spouse, I know I need to be the big girl and remember everyone loves differently. But, I am lost.
I laugh at myself when I see where I am and what I think I need. I have a beautiful home, a family, a husband who shops for me, who pays the bills, who likes to watch old movies, who enjoys plays, who loves to do yard work, and helps everyone he can. He loves his mother dearly and visits her every day to make sure she is doing ok.
He kisses me goodbye when he leaves for work and says he loves me. After we pray at dinner, we kiss. We often eat dinner together at the table. He touches my ass when he walks past me in the kitchen. I belong to him and it is safe. He often holds my hand for a little while at night before he goes to sleep and he is incredibly kind in all he does. Sometimes he even touches my side. On rare occasions I am able to be the receptacle for his love.
When we married, we were already pregnant. We were 24 years old (well, I think I was actually 23, but I am just a few months younger than he is!) and done with college. I moved so I could be near him. He was exactly what I wanted. He was tall, steady, dependable, had a stable family (coming from a childhood of 4 dads, this was important!), has a luscious beard (he always has--), and reminded me of the mountains from Alaska. He was exactly perfectly perfect.
Our marriage has always been surrounded by kids. They were almost 5 years apart and the two of us have always been on the edge of finances. The Craftsman has worked very hard and while on the coast, I did work some. I was fortunate to be able to stay with the boys most of their growing up years and I'll never ever regret that. When I did work, I had enough cash to play around with and save up for gifts. I have always been frugal. Too frugal I was recently told!
Now, with Bear 21, I'm scared. I have this empty nest thing going on (even if he is still around). And I've discovered something. I don't know my husband. He doesn't know me. I want to say I've tried to tell him about me. But, I obviously haven't. I did tell him I liked to write and he knows this, but doesn't like me to write anything of an erotic nature. He knows I have a new blog, but has never seen it. He rarely looks at the other one! He knows I read and he has read a few of the books I love, but not very many.
I know, however, I need to focus (as one of my posts shared) on him and forget what I think I need. I have everything. I love dropping notes in his lunchbox or hiding treats in his clothing. I enjoy knowing he will call every day after work. I like to make sure he has what he needs to do the work he does every day. I try not to get in his way and I hate to bug him with things I might need. He is a very busy man and if he gets a chance to rest, he deserves that. I tell him thank you all the time and LOVE to watch him get dressed. He likes me to watch him. I always tell him he's handsome and when he looks nice (which is almost all the time..guys who never seem to age are not fair!!).
So, outside of the notes and candies I'm putting in his lunch every day (kisses), I am going to try to do two more things. If he is home, I won't be online as much. I will read, but I will make sure I am more available to him. I will also try to go up to the shop when he goes if I can. When we dated, I used to sit in the shop and watch him work on cars. I can go up and read. I have a lot of books that need read!
If I think I need physical affection, I have some nice steamy stories I can use to fill those false needs.
I am going to reach for the top and fight for myself and love. (and see if love really exists anymore.)
Eye of the Tiger, Kris!