Sugaring. This is a ‘simple’ way to remove body hair and I believed it would be much less stressful than waxing (I had read many a calamity concerning home wax procedures) with easy to obtain ingredients. Sugar, water, and lemon juice. (note: I hope you can breathe after clicking that link. It ALWAYS makes me laugh til I cry.) I mixed the ingredients and discovered, after it cooled, I had actually made glass. A lovely amber hue of one inch scented glass candy. Thankfully, adding water softened it. I put it in a plastic container and stored it against a day when I would use it.
I had been sick, but this job was on my agenda and being slightly agenda oriented, I decided to go for it. I had noticed the stuff I had made was still soft and I put everything I might need in the bathroom. (I am so glad I chose the bathroom and not my bedroom!) I was fortunate to have linoleum flooring and water just a step away. I stripped down and confidently sat on the edge of the tub.
Mentally going over each step, I decided this was going to be a very easy procedure. I opened up the sugar mixture and scooped out a glob. It was once again candy. Sticky, not quite taffy, candy. It resembled melted mozzarella on a hot pizza, but I was committed. I couldn’t get it off my fingers. It was like trying to wash off oil based paint with water! (note: I have actually done that...)
I slapped it on my tender cringing flesh and hoped for the best. My project wasn't even close to the best. The stuff dripped off my hand onto the floor in puddles of stiff January-like molasses. I pushed the bath mat away from the goo with a toe and proceeded to shove the open container out of the way.
Now, for the uninformed, there are two types of sugaring techniques. I was going for a less painful removal where you cook the sugar mixture to a soft taffy consistency resembling warm tootsie rolls. This is then molded to the skin and pulled away with unwanted hairs. My sugar paste, well, it was too thin and sticky. Wishing I had warm tootsie rolls, I remembered the second sugar technique used cloth strips, making it similar to waxing. The directions suggested old jean strips. I had those. Upstairs in my sewing room still attached to jeans.
I looked down at my liberally coated skin and decided I'd do that after I cleaned up a bit. (because why not tidy before making a bigger mess???) Unfortunately, every move I made stuck my legs to each other. When I bent to get the chaos on the floor cleaned up, my body stuck firmly to my thighs. Was it really necessary for an aging person with a tummy to need to go bare? YES. I wanted to do this.
Soldiering on, it seemed to take forever to get the sweet debris cleaned up, since it grew with every step I made. Literally. As I was hopping around the bathroom floor stuck to myself, I accidentally pressed my foot firmly into the open container of mixture I’d left in an out of the way spot. In the tub, nekkid from the tummy down, I praised God for the best thing about using sugar as a hair removal technique. Sugar melts in hot water!
Finally, the bathroom was presentable and my feet were clean. I hadn't washed off the rest of me, I was on a do or die mission. I sneakily streaked upstairs to my craft room as fast as my glued body parts could move and looked for old jeans. I knew they were there, I often used them! Tearing apart the place, I eventually found them exactly where they were supposed to be. Breathing hard, I cut out several sections to use as epilation tools.
In my frantic search, I glanced at the almost full length mirror on the wall. I had on a tank top, was gripping a pair of jeans in one hand and was brandishing sewing shears in the other, My nether region was covered in a veneer of hazel goo, my pony tail was coming undone, and my face was a frenzied contortion of freckles, lips, and cheeks. I wanted to fall over laughing, but was afraid I’d stick to the floor and someone would have heart failure when they found me under the dust bunnies.
Back in the bathroom (in the tub this time), I generously applied the cloth to my anatomy, hoping to see results of a smooth nature. It didn't work. After several patches were used and I’d worn off much of the stuff (not hair), it was starting to hurt. The frantic pulling of cloth from candy coated skin was more painful than removing a band aid from a week long wound.
Disgusted with the whole thing, I turned on the faucet. In seconds I was relieved to be clean again, sporting only a few faint pink marks where I had gotten carried away with my mission. I knew I needed to start dinner soon, so I looked at the clock to see how many minutes I had sucked into this rabbit hole. I was shocked to discover very little actual time had passed during my sugaring debut. I was also convinced I need much more research into this project before another attempt.
In the end, being an older and wiser woman, I took to razors. Which was definitely the better idea.