I’ve always been interested in how the past creates people of the present and how you can break the patterns that try to make you someone else. I understand dysfunction. I understand abuse. I don’t like it and I try not to be the person those experiences created. It isn’t easy.
I mentioned my four dads in an earlier post. They each stood for a different part of my life, even though we’d reached the best and last one by the time I was in 4th grade. Ten years or so of convoluted parental relationships was an adventure, but I wouldn't want to do it again. (I'll touch on more of this later, I'm sure)
I started babysitting about the age of 9. I don’t recommend leaving kids that age in charge of infants, but we all survived. As the oldest it was a given I’d be the caretaker in a mostly single mom family and when we married my daddy,nurturing was a part of me. I wish I could go back and change some of the things I did and didn’t do, but we can’t. We can only go on and hope to move from the paths ingrained in us.
Each of those dads gave me a trail to follow. I was fortunate the last dad helped me as I chose to recreate my own. I have a great deal of baggage and the man I married had none (for the most part). He is a single child of older parents and the only boy in the passel of cousins on the paternal side. It fit the patterns to marry and to take care of an only child and our sons. Many people say I spoil them. I probably did/do to a certain extent. Taking care of someone is the only thing I know how to do well. Besides read!
I have an incredibly low self-esteem, I was rarely given compliments as I was growing up. Criticism was more important. To this day, I have difficulty believing in gallantries and am sure I am not good enough in practically every circumstance. I am grateful every day when I am thanked for the meals I’ve made or the time I’ve given to a project. It startles me and I appreciate it. I’d like to learn to beautiful (I really hate when people say, just believe in yourself. Do they really know how HARD this is????), or amusing, or really good at something. It is hard to remember that what I do is enough.
To give, to help, to bake cookies. There goes the timer again!!