When necessary, any lap is an osasis. A place to be safe in and a place to look out on the world from a different point of view. Laps can be actual folded legs, they can be enfolding arms, or even found in the hands of a friend holding a face. Enjoy them while you can!
When you open a pumpkin you find goo. You have to work at cleaning it thoroughly, scraping away, and making it clean before it can glow. But, even then, it isn't ready! You have to put holes in it. Holes aren't enough. You need to add a light. Lights are very important. When a light is put inside and allowed to burn, this is what makes it shine.
Allowed to burn. That it the key. The design you created won't live/glow/exist properly without a burning light. It is just an empty shell waiting to shine.
I love people who light me. People who allow me to burn. People who give me a chance to glow. I sometimes forget to accept their fire into me, I am sorry for that. Thankfully, most of them care enough to give me another chance. Pretty awesome of them!
Billy Joel's lyrics seem to fit where I am today. Songs often do that. I stepped into this lush green lawn out north and my foot sank into the freezing cold grass, reminding me of needing to move out. I have been spinning around trying to get ahead and I'm not entirely effective. Like the policeman who tends bar at night, this isn't working. 'And it seems such a waste of time. If that's what it's all about, Mama, if that's movin' up, then I'm movin' out!'
This isn't only with the situation I've been a part of with mom. The rest of my life, has always been more difficult. With mom, I am a single entity, with a great deal of helpers and support. In my personal reality, I need to see if what I see actually exists. I need to point my toes as I determine which direction I should travel. And those decisions will help me move out into new view points. Scary? Yes. Very.
I had a crazy day today. It was a good day, but crazy. It was going to culminate in a watching the sunset with a friend. However, communication broke down and it was deja vous. A while back, one of my best friends from HS asked me to meet her at a beach out north. I thought I knew exactly where it was. It was one of the last times we’d probably get to see each other and I was determined we’d meet. I saw some formidable scary surveillance camera signs on the road I thought I was supposed to go on turned around. Later, I found out that was EXACTLY where I was supposed to go. It turned out, it also is one of my favorite beaches to visit.
Tonight’s gilded sunset was tinged with the bemusement of what I am sure my dear friend felt as she waited for someone who was lost. Someone who still happens to have a spotty cell phone and missed her dearly as I, too, wandered with my eyes focused on the gold as it melted behind Redoubt
Looking back at each summer I’ve been in Alaska is kind of funny. There have been so many changes and so much good growth within me, it is almost surprising. My normal months in the states consist of the same things over and over. The few things which let me escape the rut of my life come from Alaska. Or at least, the parts of me which have changed because of my summers in The Last Frontier.
I will always be forever grateful for Kel. Who asked me point blank why I hadn’t been home to see mom after daddy died. He made me reallise not having daddy at home didn’t mean I should stay away. He helped me embrace myself as a person and a woman in my own right. It was the summer before I turned 50. The next 50 years are already different!
Each summer there is a septic problem. I can only pray this has finally ceased with the newest system installed this year. They are never the same kinds of problems, though they involve the same peoples.
The clutter has also remained the same every year. I honestly cannot tell we threw so much ruined crap away last year. Boxes and boxes and bags and totes remain. The best part is, most of it is in containers now and not stacks.
After I got back to the states that first summer, I became incredibly depressed. I was on meds for a bit and was so sad inside. I craved the person I was when I was in Alaska. She was suppressed and it was horrible. I had a few experiences which were difficult to understand, but something wonderful happened again. My life line crossed with a wise friend who has given so much to me, I can’t even put it into words! In all the ways I’ve wandered, this person remains one who encourages me to be myself in all ways.
The second summer was so long. Second hand sewage is nasty! I was often depressed and several times wondered if I should just go away and die. Part of that may have been because I was so alone and having to bite my tongue about my mom. Her attitude about her daughter who was ‘going thru that change of life’ drove me bonkers. Part of it was probably because of the experiences I was having. Trusting a person and finding out they are an ass of the lowest type angered me. I also had sporadic internet. One of my bestest friends in the world got infrequent single four letter word texts from me more than often.
Returning to the states was better. I had friends who accepted me for myself and gave me time. Getting a chance to escape the confines of my world is lifesaving. Even when I get lost or break my car or end up in awkward situations! I began writing more, found new people who are similar to myself and like me, and began to find a small niche for myself.
These last months have brought changes I never imagined. Chemotherapy and other things have made me aware of how short life can be, how chemicals can change a person, and how precious people are. I have learned to let go of those special people, to realise when a life connects with mine, it is not forever, and to believe a bit more in myself.
I’m actually looking forward to going back to Oregon this fall. I’ll miss home like an ache in my soul, but I am ready to see how the Me I am now will react to the placid stream I normally exist in.
(there is a piece in "I'm Alive" which goes with this)
This is a longer edition of what I posted in my blessing blog. I'm still thankfully amazed!
I had a super odd experience today. I went down to Arness Dock to get a breath of fresh air and look for rocks. (you always look for rocks down there!) The tide had been a minus one, so there was a great deal of shore open. I had my camera, cell phone, and car keys. I talked to a couple who knew my parents, which was great fun. They not only knew mum and dad, the wife has relatives in Tillamook. Crazy. I continued on my way and didn’t go too terribly far, it was getting late. On my way back to the car, I sighted another cool rock, coal actually, and stopped to photograph it. As I stood, I realized I didn’t feel the keys. Panic set in. I looked around the ground, looked at the rising water, and scooted quickly back along the edge of the waves. I could see where my footsteps had come up from the waves. The rest of my tracks were under water. I walked the whole way, praying and searching. I got back to where I had started. Keyless.
There was a car parked, the driver was looking at the sea and he noticed I was in tears. He asked if anything was wrong. I told him what I had done. He asked if I needed a ride. I said, probably…but turned and left to look again. Nothing. I got back to where I started and noticed the man was gone. too. I reached for my phone to call my friend, Kelly. He is always up for a rescue. The first two calls didn't go The third call went through and I looked down and saw mom’s car keys! I hung up in shock. I had looked and looked and when I stopped depending on myself, I found what I had lost.
Usually, this summer, I’ve learned I need to depend on me. I have to do things alone. Today, I was in complete and utter despair. Fancy car keys can’t be created on the Kenai. You must go to an Anchorage dealership. I knew mom had a spare set, but oh…to have to tell her I had lost house and car keys. I didn’t know who to call for help, but I had a couple of options. And then, my phone failed. The relief I experienced when my call went through and I saw those keys was phenomenal. I closed my phone and picked them up off the ground and Kel called me back. As I chatted with him (he, too, was pretty impressed I found them right as my call went through), I set up my keys for a photo shoot. Finally, I was ready to leave and a truck pulled into the parking lot. I grinned at the driver and started to leave, but couldn’t. I went back. The poor man said I had made him a little nervous cuz I kept looking at him. I told him I wanted to thank him. Not that he had done anything, but he might have. He said he would have and he often got thanked for odd things. Turned out he was an Army Ranger. Or had been.
As I left, I realized how thankful I was. My prayers had been answered and I was off the hook.
Incredible blessings from top to bottom. And I have some super cool rocks, too!
When a person finds a sign on a property which reads ‘No Trespassing,’ we know not to go there. Owl’s bit of a sign (Winnie the Pooh) read ‘Trespassers Will.’ Adult readers laughed as they watched Owl believe the non-existent Will was a relation. ‘Be Prosecuted’ was never in the makeup of the 100 Acre Wood.
If only life were really like this. Not the real world lines drawn up by man and recorded in land offices across the world, those are necessary. Usually. The boundaries which cause sadness created by a person keeping others out.
When I was in college we sang a song about walls and bridges in small group devotions. ‘You can build a bridge or you can build a wall. It all depends upon the love you give. If you build a wall, your world is small. But, a bridge of love can conquer all.’ Even this song, with a nugget of knowledge, isn’t big enough when there is a desire for privacy. Love is sometimes the reason a person demands privacy.
Keeping others from knowing physical or mental pain is a choice. An often admirable decision made out of love or embarrassment or pride or some other reason. In the long run, however, it hurts. Man was not created to survive alone. We need help, hands to lift us, lights to shine in the darkness. Letting others inside the boundaries of ourselves makes those burdens lighter. It is crazy how it works, but it does!
Build a 100 Acre wood trespassers will be allowed to love and help and share. A place where Trespassers Will Be Welcomed!
A selfie with my best friend. Snugglebear takes way better photos than I do, but well, cameras tend to adore stuffed bears for a reason! Yeah, pretty crazy. A woman my age, grown up and a mom, having a stuffed bear for a best friend. It happens.
When I was in college one of my friends gave me reasons why a teddy bear is better than a man. I don't recall many of the reasons, but it was incredibly cute and fairly accurate. He doesn't take all my blankets at night, he doesn't mind salt water on his fur, he is very cuddly, and his many wonderful attributes could go on. As a friend, though, he is pretty awesome, too.
Snugglebear doesn't mind what I look like, he listens to me and looks wise, he is always around, and he does not mind sitting on a shelf when I am in Oregon. He is near my head and I can grab him whenever I am able.
He is my friend. He actually does belong to me. I do not cling to ties of things or people much (OK, Alaska I don't cling to--I'm tied to Alaska with a mixture of duct tape and binding twine and that wrap used in factories to hold stuff on pallets!), but I think I'd be rather upset if I lost Snugglebear. No. Thinking about it, I'd be pretty sad, but it would eventually be ok. However, I am glad he belongs to me at this moment in time. I hate being alone, it is a comfort to have a bear as a friend.
A.A. Milne says over and over how wonderful the friendship of a bear is. I'd share some quotes, but I don't think there is enough room!!!
This isn't the picture I wanted, but it will work. I am going thru a hand phase, I am sure it won't last too long. Just bear with me!
When I was young, we used to play a game with string called 'Cat's Cradle'. It was great fun and I found a link on wikihow to show different ways to play this.
It is fun to make patterns with my hands, to let others in to hold them close. Yeah, sometimes I mess up the pattern and I have to start over. Usually, though, someone else can sense what is happening in the threads and pop in to fix it.
I have always liked this game. It is a game of working together. One person can't do it alone--ok, you kind of can, but it is NOT easy and it fails rather quickly. Kind of like life. You cannot do things on your own. You really need help for one thing or another. You need to let others in to allow them to help. To rescue you when the patterns get muddled.
There are paths all around us. Most of them are real time highways, roads, and trails on land and water. The ones used by airplanes are pretty much invisible to the majority of humanity. Animals who travel by migration use routes like those. Many paths, however, are not only invisible, but completely ethereal. Places GPS will never work (kind of like Alaska or the PNW, but less buggy!).
Never Land, light lancing through clouds, or trails on water from the shine of the moon or sun. Walking these paths leads us into dreams. Few people can follow the dream paths of others, often we are destined to travel them alone. Eventually, other wanderers might stumble onto your path for a time before finding a different direction to travel. This is the beauty of these kinds of journeys. Those incredible people who assist with growth and the development of new facets in character.
I started on a journey a few years ago. I had looked at the path, but skirted around the first steps. When I finally moved, I realised it was good. Others have joined me here and there, they are souls who illuminate my way. Those lights do not belong to me, I may not find a human light to join me on my path and it is OK. This is my journey and I plan to keep walking until I discover whatever dreams are out there.
This idea of me seeking a dream is sort of ironic. I don’t often have dreams or hopes for tomorrow, but I am learning how to live in order to find them. The illuminating souls around me are a huge help. Sometimes they are so bright it takes me awhile to comprehend their greatness. These friends humble me, educate me, and bring me much joy.
I’m going to continue to see where the path of light goes and enjoy whatever comes my way. No matter what kind of experiences I run into. I may not carry a towel, but I will always have a book!
I grew up in Alaska, went to college in Portland, OR and ended up on the coast for 17 years before moving East. Am interested in many different things and am looking forward to sharing them with you!