We are back in mum's house now. The basement is totally bare and stripped. I have about as much privacy as a caged animal in a zoo and the zoo is completely full of stuff and very cramped. No, I can close the door on the bathroom, so that is good! I know the last years have trained me for this summer, but when I am in Oregon, I do have time to myself. Lots of alone time. Here, when I try to claim some, by going out for a bit, I come back to criticism and guilt. I know mom doesn't feel good and I know she does not like how messy her house is. However, it is her choice.
I am thankful for our angel who is doing all of the pushing for things to get done here. It makes me realise how unimportant I am, though. I'd leave if I could. I don't want to, I am sure mom will need someone soon. I am just so tired of no one caring for just ME. I am selfish. One of my friends this month, lost her husband and is in the hospital. I wanted to ask how her pup was, but was afraid to make her feel worse than she does. My pain is so insignificant compared to hers. Yet, I still want to curl up in the moss with my teddy bear and over inject my insulin.
I can't cry. I can only muddle on and find that brave face that shows I am at peace with and in the world. I miss having privacy. I didn't realise how much I had come to appreciate being a loner at times. A loner who seems to need attention. What a silly thing!!! The Craftsman sent me a couple lines in a text yesterday. I was startled. It was very sweet. I am glad he thought of me in the middle of the day on a weekend. I usually don't see him much on weekends when I am in Oregon, so it was pretty special to hear from him.
I wish I could take my teddy bear with me wherever I go. Yet, even Calvin couldn't take Hobbes everywhere. Maybe I need rocket ship underpants.