Cancer has never been anything I've been afraid of. I've never wanted it, but it has not been something to be scared of. Chemotherapy. This freaking scares me. It is horrible. It ruins a person and changes their body and makes them not who they are. I wish I could say it is for the better, but no. It is awful.
Being the older child this is hard for me. Mum trusts me to do things, kind of. After her appt to have blood taken we went and did 4H records. I was sure she'd go in and express her regrets for going back on her promise to help. I don't think they knew how sick she is. We had to go and drop off bills. We went shopping for a few items and managed to get away with 100$ worth. Her check wasn't accepted by the girl at the machine, so thank GOD I had cash on me. I'll get it out of mom's bank when I go next time, but it was horrible. She was shaking like a leaf in a storm, trying to be the strong independent person she wants to be, she was talking and being sort of cheerful, and it was awful. I'm so thankful for the person who helped take mum's groceries out and who took her keys so we could unlock the car. He was a gorgeous light in an otherwise screwed up horrible afternoon.
She bitched at me when we got home because I got everything out of the car. She's not supposed to lift heavy things. Most of the purchases were heavy. She said she could have done it. She was cold and needed to rest. I was mad and looked at her from where I was putting things away and said forcefully, "Mother." She snapped back, "Don't you mother me." I was frustrated, but actually that is the mom I'm more used to!
I have a headache, my chest hurts, my neck aches like the dickens, AND I think I lost one of the earrings my son made me. The sewage water is still up about 2 inches in the basement shower and I'm tired. If I could only have someone to lean on and help me....Impossible wants. I am thinking the froth and bubble of life is gonna wash over me soon. I only pray I can stay mostly in place on the shifting sands.