I was wrong. I knew I wasn't doing much here in Alaska this summer. I know mom doesn't really need me. She has told me she can do things on her own and she does not like how I am doing them. I understand I am going thru a change in my life and she wishes I wasn't so hard to get along with. She has told me over and over how difficult I have been this summer. Yet, I did think I was doing some things to help out. I knew it wasn't much and I know I am not the daughter she wishes I was, but I thought I was a bit ok.
I know this person who shredded me today is only one person, yet this person said exactly what I have been feeling. keeping my mouth shut isn't good enough. I need to seal it shut and never speak unless it is in exact agreement with the topic discussed. this person may be wrong, but the weenie doesn't believe so. I'm afraid it was not a very professional conversation. I was very curt and the person hung up on me, called me back and then shouted at me. I shouted back. It was not pretty.
now I am sore and wrong and raw. and it is a very dark and cold night. real time friends don't really exist in my world. online friends are blessings, but can't help as much as they may like. they don't know the stories and can't understand as much as they want to. no one does. must stumble my way in the dark looking for those lights that have fallen.
bleeding knees, torn hands.
fallen lights and shattered glass.
aching soul reaches for help.
grabbing rusted chains
and smelling smoke.