"That's why I am wearing it."
I sat down in the chair and pulled my arms thru the sleeves to hold my bare forearms against my bare stomach as I tried not to hear those words echo in my head. I tried to encapsulate myself into a large cocoon of fleece and hide my body. It didn't work. I heard them all night. I can still hear them.
'Even for you.' I know my arms are big. I know I have more than a muffin top for a belly and it bulges all over. I know my legs look like thick pillars. I know my face is not as pretty as it was when I was young. I know I am fat. I know I have trouble lifting things. I know I am selfish and mean. I know this deep in my soul. Every so often, I forget. But, it is always there. I'm never good enough or pretty enough or kind enough. I am online too much. I don't spend enough time with her watching TV. I am doing things she doesn't want me to do. I am ungrateful. And I am 'so heavy now, Kris'. I work to forget. Sometimes friends help me forget. Most people around me see these icky parts and knowingly gloss them over, but I know they see who I am.
I asked mom if she had a button up shirt of dad's I could borrow this summer. I managed to leave all my long sleeved button up shirts in the states. Except one, which is a favorite, but too small. She brought out two shirts. Both of them were WAY too small. I'm not that tiny person from the 80's anymore. She was upset I couldn't wear them (this happened last summer, too-she tried to give me jackets and clothes I could not get myself into). She finally brought me out a pull over. It wasn't what I wanted, but I am borrowing it.
It is very warm and it hides most of me.